Sunday, September 21, 2008

TassiMania Bound Bar-Maid

Well this Dirty Bar-Maid is shedding her greasy, stale skin for a week to embark upon that grand ocean trek to Australia's little own 'Landing Strip'.
No, I'm not getting my genitals waxed (though I probably should......)- I'm going to Tassimania!!! That sweet little island that is the butt of every mainlander's jokes.
The cousin-rootin', hootin', babba-bootin', disconnected little strip of cunt ain't going to know what hit it this time next week when the Dirty Bar-Maid and her flock of pot-drinking, bourbon-snorting, Cow-Punching associates tumble off the ship and into TassiMania.

I've never been out of Australia before so am seriously psyched about crossing that little strip of sea to see how people outside my own grand mass of turd live. So far I'm picturing things to be a little something like this:-



Early Monday morning we tumble off the almighty Spirit of Tassimania amidst our shit-load shipment of empty whiskey, bundy and bourbon bottles with a backpacker or ten to be greeted by the natives of said TassieCuntMania.
Most of who will be the direct descendants of cannibal-convicts who were transported to Van Dieman's Land for napkin stealing or rooting a gutter rat or some trivial crime like that.
The small assortment of natives, after welcoming us with open limbs (hands, fingers and toes need not apply) will invite us through teeth-less gobs with green tounges to a delicious feast of TassieCuntMania's traditional delicacy of their father's/brother's/sister's eyeballs, to be washed down with a pint of fairy urine.

I and my fellow Cow-Punchers feeling rather seedy from this point from all the fairy urine will continue on to meet the native's leader- a giant Tassie Devil called Aaron with TassieMania natives suckling from his teats. We will pass on such an indulgent and insist that we really must be on our way. We had hoped to get in a spot of fishing and native-hunting before nightfall.

Now I'm not 100% sure on this theory, so decided I'd Google image cannibal-tassie-cunt-mania-convicts-incest-bestiality-hairy just to round of the final perfections to this insightful understanding of other cultures. And this is what I found-

Your search - cannibal tassie cunt bestiality incest hairy convicts mania - did not match any documents. Suggestions:
Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
Try different keywords.
Try more general keywords.
Try fewer keywords.

Ahhh I see. Second time is the charm then.

Google image search number #2 with 'cunt incest landing strip hairy' unearthed me this:-

Hmmm.... yehh that's kind of close to what I had in mind. The eyes so close together along with the dunny-brush tail are definite give-aways of inbreeding and cannibalism since 1788, but I've gotta say- the white fur really throws me. I can't seem to put that down to any logical explanation connected to the Tassie-Cunt native's lifestyle. Bathing in cum since 1788 maybe?

The Spirit of Tasmania should make that their motto. If the ads showed cum-bathing as the cultural highlight of this grand island instead of clearly homosexual husbands dancing with their wives on the ship's deck in the sunset I would've booked myself a ticket to Cunt-Mania the day before i was born. Or even worse, Poxy the fat Coxy telling us how the 'sea view is amazing'. Is it? Cause we can't see it with your fat arse, gut the size of Uluru and even bigger head in the way Poxy Coxy.
The marketing fuckers behind this advertisement and Poxy Coxy's humungo gut need to go back to MAWDTM University (Manipulate and Achieve World Domination Through the Media).

But any who, back to my Dirty Bar-Maid holiday to TassieMania.

I think I may have a serious problem. Did I mention that? Because after weeks upon weeks of listening to Kid Rock's sexual assault of 'Sweet Home Alabama' all I want to do is sit by the campfire, drink whiskey out the bottle (even though I don't even like whiskey- make that shizzle Bundy the bloke's best mate Polar Bear), 'smoke funny things, trying different things and sing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long'.

True talent right there- rhyming 'things' with 'things'. I was about to say that if the incest rumours about Kid Rock are true then he must be TassieMania's poster child...... woooahhh.. was that too far? I mean Tassie is still part of Australia after all, well kind of anyway.

[Rusted Gumption is not responsible for any politically incorrect statements and by viewing this blog you understand the terms and conditions of things being all fun and games till someone (i.e- a Tassie native) looses their self-esteem.]

So I Google imaged 'whiskey bottle campfire things things' to once again try and carve out some sort of image of what to expect on my grand expedition and this came up:-

So now I'm scared and am thinking that either the said Tassie Natives are terrorists, Kid Rock is a terrorist or *gulp* I am a terrorist. Which according to Bush means I can't trust myself and should go out and buy lots of guns and locks and be terrified of my own shadow because any minute my own shadow could rise up from the pavement wearing a turban, speaking Farsi and telling me to go get a Qantas plane. So I think it's just easier to decide on Kid Rock being a terrorist and being the Western World's enemy number #67864356 so must be set on fire- not because he's some how responsible for that note, but because he sexually abused Sweet Home Alabama. Fucker.

*takes medication now*

I'll try to bring back all my blogger friends tassie souvenirs. A Tassie Native's tail for the girls and and a Tassie Devil's turd for the boys. Don't say I don't think about you.


Anonymous said...

So you are a bar maid? Did i read that correctly!? Iv dont know any bar maids! And you have never been out of Australia! Shame.. You deserve the dissing! But pop over.. I would like to chat and get to know you better.. Love Tiff

Lana said...

Pop over? Ahh last time I checked New York wasn't in Tassie... but, yeh thanks anyway, i think.

fingers said...

Tasmania: where Victorians take holidays to make themselves feel culturally superior again.
You're a very amusing young lady, Lana...and quite revolting.
Now, if you haven't read it before, please take a copy of 'Grapes of Wrath' on vacation; I suspect you'd love it...

Lana said...

Wow an actual compliment from Mr Fingers *falls off chair*.
Yeah I've been meaning to get around to that lil number, what with every man and his dog raving about it as though it were actually better than sliced bread (cliche muchly?). But have just been waayyyy too busy scratching my arse and picking my nose. Time consuming stuff mate.

"Literature is as old as speech. It grew out of human need for it and it has not changed except to become more needed. The skalds, the bards, the writers are not separate and exclusive. From the beginning, their functions, their duties, their responsibilities have been decreed by our species...the writer is delegated to declare and to celebrate man's proven capacity for greatness of heart and spirit - for gallantry in defeat, for courage, compassion and love. In the endless war against weakness and despair, these are the bright rally flags of hope and of emulation. I hold that a writer who does not passionately believe in the perfectibility of man has no dedication nor any membership in literature."

Yay! Steinbeck! I actually bought "Of Mice and Men" a little while ago and will eventually get around to reading it..... once I've finished scratching my arse and picking my nose of course. Or should that be the other way around? Hmm...

unique_stephen said...

Feel free to post a picture of your map any time.

Lana said...

I will if you will *wink*

But seeing as you made the suggestion it's only fair that you go first.

Though in the meantime- I hear Tiff requires no such deals and is happy to show the world her breakkie free of charge. Ain't that right Tiff?

fingers said...

Is Steinbeck responsible for that pretentious drivel you just quoted ??
OK, well 'GoW' is one of the greatest books in American literature but that piffle was just bewilderingly silly...

Lana said...

Yah yah. That was his acceptance speech for some literary prize or something.
See? I am edjamacated.....thanks to anyway.

And 'piffle'? *gets out dictionary*
Hmmm.... either my usually trust macquarie is lying to me.... or you just made up a word. hmm...

I like it though. piffle piffle piffle. Ahh fuck I'm never going to get this assignment done. grrr.

Lana said...

A ripple later:

pif·fle (pfl)
intr.v. pif·fled, pif·fling, pif·fles
To talk or act feebly or futilely.
Foolish or futile talk or ideas; nonsense.

Ahhh so you're not that inventive after all. Probably should've rippled 'piffle' first to save my face, but meh. Yay to anonymous blogging. woot!

Bo Bo said...

Enjoy you’re trip

Lana said...

'Enjoy you are trip'?



Bo I thought you would've learnt by now that an apostrophe is like your penis; it isn't always welcome in certain slots. mmm...kay?

E.g- 'If love is ace give me the jack' CORRECT. Apostrophe not welcome. apostrophe accepts that.

'If love is ace's give me the jack' INCORRECT. Apostrophe has just raped that phrase.


tehe. Thanks mate. I'll bring you back a tassie devil turd. I hear they're magic!

fingers said...

Working out your vocabulary inadequacies by preying on BooBoo's wretched punctuation is nothing more than hostile infantilism...

unique_stephen said...

You'd have to ask phishez about that one.

Anonymous said...

Lana... you are clearly a special person.. One that people love to hate. :-) i mean that kindly. iv gone and said some unkind things about you. Dissed you. So i apologise. I think! Im now switching into positive mode and not going to say anything ugly from this point on. When i said pop over i meant to South Africa.. Im on holiday here at the moment. And you can pop over in the bloggy world. You dont need a ticket. :-) As for my breakkie? is that what is known as an oyster on my blog? I do have clothes miss! Too many! Chat soon.. Enjoy Taz. You have displayed some amazing images. Enjoyed the tour. Love Tiff

Lana said...

Fingers- and that's why it's so much fun! dahh.
Oh poo, he loves it.

Unique Stephen- geez I feel like the new kid in the school yard with this lot. So... yehh... phishez? Obviously another blog kid I haven't had any run-ins with yet. Though with the way this day has gone I probably will soon, not to mention every other blog kid and their dog.

Tiff- oh hello, you're back again. I'm really glad to here that you have lots of clothes, but you probably shouldn't have put them ALL in the wash on the same day otherwise you can end up in the rather unpleasant situation that you're currently in. I mean you could have always just borrowed some from a friend if your blog picture just HAD to be taken on that most unfortunate of clothes-all-in-washing-machine day.

Heck, I think this poor little ghost-town-blog of mine is just about haggard from such a unexpected torrent of tourists. phew.

Lana said...

And yeh, yeh, before anyone pounces- I realise I put 'here' instead of 'hear'. blahh

Anonymous said...

Im not going to crit your use of here or hear.. On my side im not confused about bouy or boy either.. :-) but sometimes i do appreciate a cute little strawberry... Love Tiff

Colonel ChestHams said...

Lana - for the love of all Humanity, GET YOUR GENITALS WAXED.

Lana said...

Why? I'm not planning on all of humanity seeing my genitals any time soon. Though if I did I'd ask Tiff who her waxer is..

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go vomit.

unique_stephen said...

Don't mind me, the perv in the corner, watching Tiff and yourself slowly gravitate towards each other for the inevitable lezzing up.

Look at her "other blogs"

Lana said...

I'd love to if her blog wasn't set on private.

And as for your 'lezzing up' fantasy Stephen (1) don't you have enough gay (men and women) porno? And (2) for all we know our cunt flashing Tiff could just be a 60 year old obesse man in texas.
Sorry if i just ruined that fantasy for you.

No hard (ignore pun please perverted bloggers) feelings Tiff. I'm positive that you are the most attractive obesse 60 year old in all of Texas.

And yeahh... I can't spell but am too drunk to look up that god forsaken word. Why the hell doesn't this comment section have spell check!? Frick! *drinks more red wine*