I have finally bought THE ute people! My god it's beautiful. There aren't a great deal of things that I can properly appreciate but a big growling Hilux has always been one of them.
Which, I guess, does pose as being a little strange seeing as I'm a chick and I've seen many people snort and turn on their heel upon discovering my not-so-secret passion for the great hunk of rumbling metal that is the ute-dearest.
I'm not sure why some people are unimpressed by this little contrary, but I guess its the same reason why the same sort of people cringe with contempt when I go into a patriotic rave whenever I hear 'Khe Sahn' (Last Saturday night I actually scared some bikies with my drunk dancing to it).
I'll leave it at that otherwise I'll launch into a messy bout of typing-diarrhoea about my misfitting disposition yada yada yada -that can only end in my banishment from this Earth..... Please don't ask for an explanation of any of that sloppy word-poo, there's just some questions you don't ask a raving lunatic.
Anyhoo.....My new ute is a 4x2 Hilux dual cab, that's technically a 95 model but under the bonnet it said 94......so go figure. It's gotta canopy, a big bull bar for running down unsuspecting pedestrians and a heavy back bar that'll make other fuckers think twice about tail gating me.
Why did I buy a ute? Well, I guess, for me Hiluxes have always represented everything that's good, strong and trust worthy in the world. I've always associated them with other things I love. My dad, my dogs, my farm, the country, Lee Kernaghan and big hot farm boys (I've since learnt farm boys are generally arseholes- but the subconscious thought still stands).
Ohh.....excuse that Red Neck Moment.
Yesterday arvo my Mum drove me over to get the ute from Glenroy after she finished work and I drove it for the first time home in bloody peak hour. Even though it's only a 4x2 I still felt considerably higher up there then all the other cars. At first I thought I was just being paranoid......but no.....people really were staring at the chick cruising along in the big bad ute. And I never copped one beep or road rage of any sort- that's another thing about Hiluxes, no one seems to mess with them :D
Full of my own achievement and giddy with happiness (and escalated on yet another Red Neck Moment) I sent all my mates the following message:
"WOOOOOO!! I finally got my big beautiful ute! I'm in love! I've made so much love to it, it's endangered from getting cancer after all the post-ciggies. If I ever love a man half as much as I love this ute, I'll marry him! I'm so not ever gonna get married! *Bats at air* Ahhh! Too....Many.....Exhaust......Pipe.....Jokes! Ahh!"
I drove the ute over to Blackburn last night to show it off to some mates and it was also just an excuse to keep driving it. I had to park it in the drive way and spent the whole night nervously peering through the curtains to check its health still being current.
Eventually after more drinks than I care to mention, I stumbled out toting a glass of beer and wine (try it, it's actually really good) to tell my newest suitor I loved it and would never ever leave it.
Concerned, my mates followed and soon we were all sitting on top of the canopy watching the cars drive past on White Horse Road, me waving furiously at all of them, obtaining beeps and yells from open windows from a small amount considering.
Eventually The Room Mate appeared to tell us we were sending her dog spas (that dog was fucking born spas) and the neighbours would soon be complaining.
"If they do it's cause the jealous bastards are just shitty bout missing all da fun!" I slurred, pondering for the first time whether the canopy roof could actually hold our weight.
"Just invite the silly pricks over and we'll party that anal-ness outta their systems!" I screamed, hoping the neighbours would hear and save themselves a call to the cops.
"SHUT UP LANA!!!" the mates said collectively.
"Shit, now you've done it; they'll ring the cops for sure thanks to that outburst"
We we sent on our way. Three of us decided to walk back to the other mate's house.
I asked for a moment alone with the ute before we left but I was dragged away kicking and screaming.
At the servo we stumbled in to gather some salty goodness.
I wasn't hungry so stood by the magazine rack staring stupidly at the men's mags with the naked girls with their goodies obscured on the glossy covers.
"Hey....?" I announced to everybody in the small servo. "Why aren't there any porno mags for chicks? I mean, do they just fucking assume that we don't wanna perve at exaggerated bits and bobs of the opposite sex?"
I wasn't given a satisfactory response, so I blundered on.
"It's fucking discrimination! Our sex drives are just as mechanically sound as all those pricks!"
The servo assistant blushed and looked away while I was ushered away by the mates, but not before finding an innocent plant quietly minding its own business to sexually abuse.
"That'll teach you to vote Green!"
The mates live right next to a Cemetery along the most pot-holed track in Melbourne.
They are actually more like craters and neighbours going missing along that track was a common occurance. In the dark we drunkardly stumbled along trying to navigate our way through, yelling out our usual greetings to the dead people in the Cemetery next door as we went.
At home we crashed on the couch and were telling our usual dirty jokes when my dickhead brother rang from the city maggotted nearly as much as myself.
"Come and fucking pick me up ya slut"
"Ohh well even though you said it soooooo nicely, I can't, I'm fucked." and I handed the phone over to a mate who the Brother had wanted to root ever since he saw her picture on myspace.
She told him how I did a great impression of him to which the Brother flew into a rage saying I was this and that so the mate hung up.
He rang back promptly, "Tttttt- Tell.... tha' ssslut iif she e-va fuckin' hangs up on meee again, I'll fuckin' sssmash 'er"
"Touch her and I'll rip ya dick off and feed it to my dog", I sniggered back before falling over in a laughing fit.
So went the friendly exchange between loving brother and sister till my phone died.